If you wish to become a Hollywood director remember these golden rules:
* During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
* When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
* All historical events had at least one American involved to take the credit, even before America existed.
* If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
* All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
* The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
* All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. Also there must a minimum of two bags per person
* It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
* The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
* Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
* At least one detective must be a recovering alcoholic.
* The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
* If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
* You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
* Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
* If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
* If there is something strange going on, never be the most nervous woman. You will be killed first.
* A policeman cannot arrest anybody without having a shootout with automatic weapons.
* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
* When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
* All scenes set in Italy must be in either Rome or Venice. Nowhere else in Italy exists.
* Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
* If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
* Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
* Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. If a car flies over a cliff, it will burst into flames before it hits the ground.
* All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
* A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
* Living in Medieval times means everyone had perfect teeth. Women had hairstylists with all the latest hair products.
* All prostitutes have hearts of gold.
* Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
* It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
* Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
* It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
* Everybody in ancient Rome either had a horse or a chariot.
* A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
* It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
* When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
* No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
* Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
* You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
* Everybody has a lawyer on call.
* Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
* Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
* If you take off your helmet in a war film you will be shot in the head.
* If America is invaded by aliens, it means the End of the world.
